By Malgorzata (Margot) Zwiefka

Published on 9th November, 2021

We all experience it sometimes - racing thoughts, conviction that we just can't deal with it all, struggle to focus and decide what to do. Sometimes it's even accompanied by physical symptoms, like body tension, shallow breath, quick heart rate. At other times it can show up as tiredness and temptation to just quit it all. Overwhelm has many sources and forms.

An important thing to note is that our ability to respond to challenges is not fixed - it's affected by various factors, from our physiological state, what we've been thinking about, emotions associated with any other situation going on in our lives, the overall workload we have, our beliefs about ourselves etc. The good thing about it is that we can change our capacity, and at any point we have many ways of affecting how we feel. Below is a range of simple ideas that may help in short-term release of various types of overwhelm:

1. Take five deep breaths

I put it at the top of the list, because it's actually a great step to take before any of the other solutions below. It sounds so simple that many people just dismiss it (I know I've been guilty of it for a long time!). However, it really has amazing benefits. Even five mindful breaths will help to regulate our nervous system into a calmer, more relaxed state. For best results, bring your attention to the movement of the breath through your body, and try to breath in deep into your belly. Hold your breath for a moment on the inhale and on the exhale. Extending the exhales can have even stronger calming benefits.

2. Ask: what is the next step I can take?

Sometimes the best thing you can do is to simply take action. Any action will help you to distract yourself from worry and physical symptoms and increase your self-efficacy (the belief in your ability to deal with challenges). The challenge is that often overwhelm is related to overthinking and difficulty in making a decision. At that point it can be useful to drop it and just ask: 'What's the next thing I can do?' Not the best, nor 10 steps. Just one thing. Do it. Repeat.

3. Break down your projects into smaller tasks

A related type of overwhelm is when you are working on a big project, or have a big dream - and you simply don't know what needs to be done. Getting clarity on the component parts cannot be overestimated. Imagine you want to write a novel. Even for seasoned writers, this is a daunting task. Not to mention if you've never done it before! That's why it's crucial to have some plan. Otherwise, what is likely to happen is you sitting and staring into the blank space, and wasting a lot of time waiting for inspiration. Or, never even sitting down to try because of fear.

So the steps that it could require to write a novel include: brainstorm, work on characters, plot, language etc. In this case, it would be even more useful to break down each of those into even smaller chunks. Remember: the plan doesn't have to be perfect. It's just easier for our brains to think about what needs to be done if we see it as a list or a task board.

This is a strategy that may come before the previous one - or you can treat it as your first action!

4. Imagine the worst case scenario

Yes, you saw it right! If your overwhelm is linked to a lot of worrying about what may or may not happen - this can be a very useful thing to do. Facing your fears head-on can help you realise they weren't that bad to begin with. The crucial element of this technique is to also come up with the ways of how you would deal with it - brainstorm a few solutions of what you'd do if the worst happened. We are more resourceful than we think and we just sometimes forget it!

5. Make a list of either things you're grateful for or challenges you've overcome - or both!

On a similar note, making a gratitude list or list of things you've dealt with previously can help to remind you of the resources you have available. Whether it's through the increased belief in our efficacy by remembering our strengths. Or putting things into perspective and noticing we have a lot to fall back onto in our lives.

6. Cross out 10 items from your to-do list that aren't that important

If your long to-do list is giving you a headache - seriously consider whether there are things there that don't actually need to be done. We often add a long list of things we would like to do, or we assume they need attention, but on closer examination we realise they don't add much to our lives or our projects. So take some stress off, and cross out anything that isn't essential. Or put them on a 'parked' list if it's something that is not time-limited. Another thing to consider is if you can delegate some tasks to other people, whether in your team, or in your family.

7. Ask: what do I care about here?

Another reason for overwhelm can be because we're trying to be perfect and be on top of everything. It's impossible. Perfection is an unattainable ideal, and we can never be at our best in every area of our lives. So instead of trying, ask yourself what do you care about most in the given moment or situation. Is it more important to meet the work deadline because you're hoping for a rise? Is it more important to spend more time with your kids? Make your choice. And it can help you realise the things that actually aren't that important for you, but you're worrying about because other people told you you should.

8. Don't lose your 'why' from sight

To take it a step further, remind yourself what is your big 'why' in life. If you don't know that, it may be worth investigating! Of course it will change from time to time, and we may have a few depending on the area of our lives. It's a huge topic, but to get to the point: when you know your why, it's easier to bear challenges. And it's also easier to say no to things that aren't so aligned with what you care about.

9. Go for a walk

Whether you feel overwhelmed because you have a lot to do, or if you're feeling overwhelmed with emotions, nature is another simple remedy that shouldn't be underestimated. Our bodies have evolved in nature, and studies show that even looking at plants helps to relax our nervous system. Taking a few mindful breaths whilst you're at it can only boost the benefits. Additional gains can come from walking barefoot outside, and from doing exercise outdoors.

Remember, even when you feel pressed for time - you'll be much more effective when you come back to your work afterwards! And creative solutions are also more likely to pop into your mind when you're out on a walk.

10. Talk to someone or even better - hug them

It's always a great idea to talk to another human being you like. As social creatures, we're literally wired to co-regulate each other. To get the most out of it, ask the other person beforehand whether they feel they have space for it and choose someone who is relatively calm at that time. Hanging out with stressed people won't be too helpful! And if you have someone you can ask for a hug, consensual touch sends a powerful signal to our body to wind down.

Final thoughts 

I hope you've found some ideas on this list useful. Remember, if we're constantly experiencing overwhelm - it may be a sign that either we're not managing our priorities well, or that our capacity to deal with oncoming challenges is compromised or underdeveloped. There are many factors that can impact that, and of course sometimes life deals us a lot of unexpected curveballs. We can, however, develop better ways of responding to them, which in turn will make us feel more capable and empowered. Sometimes we can't see alternative ways for ourselves though, and that's where working with a coach or other professional can be very helpful.

By Amy Metson

Published on 8th November, 2021

When Covid turned our world upside down, like many others, I turned my attention to work. I have been coaching since 2014 but had only had my own coaching business a little over a year when everything changed and I suddenly found myself having to move to an online business model, which hadn't been part of my original plan.

This triggered an awful lot of uncomfortable feelings and a very steep learning curve on top of all the other pandemic related challenges we were facing. There really is nothing like starting your own business and a global pandemic to uncover a whole heap of new 'stuff' to work through!

Whilst some things have thankfully become easier, journeying through this tricky period has required more energy than usual (like wading through treacle) and it's felt harder to replenish my diminishing energy tank than it did before too - I don't know if you can relate?

No matter what I did or didn't do, I started to notice that I just felt exhausted. I've experienced burnout enough times over the years to recognise the symptoms and I realised that if I didn't change something then this was the direction I was heading in.

As a life coach, I am not exempt from feeling all the same pressures to perform and be 'OK'. But, thankfully, these days I'm much kinder to myself and, therefore, I'm better at spotting the signs that I'm slipping down that rabbit hole, which makes climbing out a bit easier. 

As a small business owner (it's just me), it can be difficult to take time off. However, I knew that I needed to practice what I preach and fill my cup first so that I could continue to give to others from a place of fullness rather than fear.

Rather than hide these feelings and present a (fake) shiny 'life coach' facade to you, I wanted to share my experience in case you also have similar feelings of tiredness and overwhelm. 

I want you to know that whilst our struggles may not look exactly the same, you are not alone in struggling. It's completely normal to go through periods where life feels difficult and we aren't our best selves.

How we forsake ourselves during difficult times

Here are some of the ways we may forsake ourselves in favour of others when times get hard:

Say yes when we want to say no.

Say yes when we have no time or capacity.

Make ourselves smaller to fit in.

Silence our views and opinions.

Stuff down our feelings, wants and needs.

Numb our difficult emotions.

Fail to set limits and boundaries with others.

Fail to uphold our limits and boundaries when pushed.

Make ourselves uncomfortable to keep others happy.

Take responsibility for other people's problems.

Take responsibility for other people's feelings/reactions.

Take responsibility for other people's happiness.

Apologise to keep the peace.

Stay quiet to not rock the boat.

Refuse to advocate for ourselves or ask for help.

Hide or avoid the things we know we need to address.

Aren't honest about our experience, feelings, wants and needs.

Avoid difficult conversations.

Whilst you could argue that this behaviour is coming from a place of care for others (it's actually coming from a place of fear disguised as care for others), long term these behaviours will have a negative impact on us and our relationships because we aren't being honest and true to ourselves. 

The reality is that if we continually put other people's feelings and needs above our own, we're likely to end up feeling exhausted, stressed, anxious, overwhelmed and pretty resentful and frustrated. Not a good look!

This is why I advocate becoming 'responsibly selfish' - striking a balance between caring for and about others and caring for and about ourselves. And this is even more important when life gets hard.

What this looks like in practice is saying no, setting boundaries, being honest (with yourself and others), expressing yourself and making space to reconnect with your own feelings, wants and needs.

This is the work I do with my clients. I have lots of free resources available to support you with this available on my website, including a 15-page guide on how to start setting boundaries and saying no, lots of blog posts and a weekly newsletter where I share everything I'm learning about becoming responsibly selfish.

Reframing self-care

We all play a number of different roles in our daily life, often having to juggle conflicting priorities, responsibilities and expectations. And when life gets hard, it can become even more difficult to fulfil these roles and expectations. 

Sadly, instead of increasing our self-care and self-compassion to help ourselves navigate these tricky times as gracefully as possible, many of us focus on others, beat ourselves up and push ourselves even harder, and then end up in a heap wondering how we got here!

"An empty lantern provides no light. Self-care is the fuel that allows your light to shine brightly."

- Unknown

I've written previously about my thoughts on self-care but, in short, I'm not keen on the way it's portrayed in the media these days with all the cheesy pick and mix checklists and prescriptive morning or evening routines that make me feel tired just looking at them!

Self-care is essentially a reflection of our relationship with ourselves. It is very simply caring for ourselves in the same way that we would care for someone that we love. 

Whilst this may sound simple, it's not necessarily easy and this is why so many of us continue to put other people's feelings, wants and needs in front of our own, to the detriment of our mental, emotional and physical well-being. The reality is that we cannot pour all of ourselves into others - otherwise, we'll end up empty with nothing left to give. And then what?

So I'm curious, if you had to rate your relationship with yourself out of 10 (10 = you have this self-care thing nailed), where do you currently sit on this scale? What would need to change for you to move one or two points higher on the scale and take better care of yourself?

This is something that ebbs and flows for me too - sometimes I find myself nailing this self-care business and feeling great and other times life seems to get in the way and I really notice the difference in terms of my energy and well-being.

What I want you to know is that it's not necessary to do it perfectly. You don't have to do all the things on the latest self-care checklist that pops up on social media. What's important is that you take imperfect action. Do one small thing that is good for you, then rinse and repeat. 

Often, we think we need to make massive changes or try to change everything at once. However, one of the best ways to build a new habit is to identify a current habit you already do each day (make your morning cuppa, clean your teeth, etc) and then stack your new desired behaviour on top. This is called habit stacking. By linking your new habits to what is already built into your brain, you make it more likely that you'll stick to the new behaviour.

When times get tough and I find myself slipping into those unhelpful ways a question I like to ask myself is "What would I tell someone I love to do in this situation?"

Try it. And then give yourself permission to take your own advice...

I'd love to know if this article resonates with you - message me and let me know!

Original article here: https://www.lifecoach-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/how-to-be-responsibly-selfish-when-life-gets-hard